Hannah's prayer

Hi, I'm back after the long break from blogging. I am sorry if you have been waiting to hear from me. I am going to make a short post on the message I heard last month and I would like to share my joy and the truth I have received with you. 

God has put the most important plan in all our conditions 

Since we are called to be blessed, all our conditions in our lives are part of God's plan. Therefore, all our conditions are different and that also include our state of helplessness.  Firstly, God came to find us and to give us His covenant. In order to fulfill the covenant, God has given us different conditions or situations. So do not be despair, inferior nor proud because our conditions are given by God. The ultimate purpose is to fulfill His covenant.

On the contrary, if we strive hard to do something for God and end up getting accused then it is not right and its definitely not what God has intended for us.

Samuel 1:6-8 Satan uses our weaknesses, failures to attack us like how Hannah was attacked by her rival. Just like Hannah, all our conditions are good but because of the one and only weaknesses we have, we are unable to be set free.

The part of us that caused the most hurt in us actually has God's perfect plan. ( Samuel 1:10-11). Hannah made this prayer because she understands that she firstborn do not belong to her. A son was given to her not because she is good or kindhearted. But because Hannah has understood God's heart. She saw that the Israelite has sinned against God. She has understood God's will and was set free after that. Remember that the covenant comes before our conditions. First, we must adopt a thanksgiving/ grateful heart then we'll have a different perspective. Even if at times we do not understand His will, we must always be assured of His love for us. Our problems, situations and conditions are meant to be a source of blessings.

I

I am like Hannah. I have good conditions/qualities but by that I do not mean that I live a problem free life nor I am really wealthy and academically bright. I am from a middle class family, even though my parents are divorced  I give thanks that both of my parents are still alive and they really love me. I am not deprived of essential needs- I have enough to eat, a roof over my head, studying my dream course, attending a good church, enjoying brethren living and I have God always by my side.

 Just like Hannah, there is this one thing that has been bothering me. If you have been reading my blog, you'll know that I have been failing my tests and I failed my semester test again. I can give thanks for a lot of things that God has prepared for me, only when it comes to studies, I struggled to find reasons to give thanks for. When exam is near, I get uptight and all stressed out. It got worse during the last tests due to the accumulative fears and repeated failures. I have not mentioned before that I am a very slow learner. I take longer time to register the information that was fed to me than average human . Sometimes I feel like my brain just choose to shut down by itself. Its like I have no control over it. 

Anyway, back to the message. I heard this message on the first day of my test. And I can immediately relate. My repeated failure whether I want to acknowledge it or not, it bothers me especially when I have to prepare for the next test. 

Faith is build on repeated evidences, when you continually see how God leads you, you naturally grow stronger in faith. However, mine was a repeated failure. So it naturally freaks me out whenever I face a test. Satan comes and says, " Look , you have been failing again and again. Each time you think the next time is going to be different, you get the same old outcome.Your God failed you". Instead of growing in faith, mine shrunk bit by bit when exam is around the corner. I managed to shake off those thoughts at times but it never goes away completely. It whispers to me, interrupts my dreams, ruins my appetite, spoils my day, etc. The message make me realize that in my failure, God has a perfect plan for me. 

I am also an inferior person, I compare easily, I cry easily, I get  scared easily, I am over sensitive at times, I get discouraged easily, I have a long lists of weaknesses. 

What I fail in is my prayer.

 I realized that I give up too easily when I do not receive the answer, I become lazy to confirm the truth. So, I sort of did a half ass job when it comes to confirming and no surprise that I still have not receive the solid answer. 

I come to a conclusion:  I am specially made by God, carefully crafted with my weaknesses so that His great works can be done through me. My next step is to be diligent in prayer and hold on tightly to the covenant. The hardest part of confirming is being diligent. It requires a certain degree of self discipline. But once you get your gears running, prayer would be something you look forward to everyday. 

ps: As usual, I tried my best to translate it. May missed out some points. So, listen to the message if you have the time and don't forget about the Bible verses. God bless!

John 16:24

I had a bad week. Many things happened, one after another. Its like you are trying to cover a leakage and before you succeed, the other end starts leaking else well. I will share in greater details in my next post, but for today, let us confirm this message. I find it very relevant, very straight forward, simple to understand. Maybe we have heard this message at lot of times until we grew tired of it, but sometimes, it is the simplest truth that we failed to confirm and therefore hindering us from knowing more. The following message is translated from the Everyday Emmanuel today. 

Receive Great Joy from Going Into the Truth

Have you ever asked yourself when are you most joyful? For a born again Christian, his most joyful time will be when he understands the will of God. It is the same as when a child is able to listen to his father's voice, then he will be most comforted and joyful. Like a sheep, when it is able to hear the voice of its shepherd, it will feel safe. 

Lets ask ourselves this question, " Where do all my pain, suffering and hatred come from? "

 Actually, it is not the problem or the situation that has cause the suffering but it is due to the fact the we are unable to hear God's voice in the midst of our problem that has caused the pain in us. There are some young people who are going through break up, they questioned " Why God allows me to go through such pain and what is His perfect will for me?". Or those who have failures in their life, they too will ask similar questions.For the child of God, their real pain is a result of not knowing the God;s purpose for allowing them to go through certain trials in life.

So, God has given us the Holy Spirit in us to teach us all things in life. The Holy Spirit guides us and helps us understand the perfect will of God in our problems so that our joy be will satisfied. In John 16: 13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 16. Jesus went on to say, " In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me." ( Here, it implies that God has His timetable) 23 that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. (after we have understood) 24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

So here comes the question, how will I be able to know and understand God's perfect will in my problem?

Firstly, the will of God will be understood when we confirm God's words. The key word here is confirm. When God says that He loves and guides you, whatever that He has given you is the best- have you ever confirmed His words? Have you ever confirmed that with your past and see His guidance? Have you confirmed before that it is your past failures, struggles that has brought you before God ?  Your confirmation will help you see and understand His perfect will.

Secondly, God has a blessed timetable. Our Lord says that we have to wait. But most of the time, we harbor an unwilling heart to wait or a frustrated heart when we are told to wait, that's why we fail to see what God has already accomplished or fulfilled.  Or our lack of faith that has make it hard for us to understand His will. If only we are willing to wait upon the Lord, then we will slowly begin to understand Him. It is very important that during this process we must continue to be submissive. When God ask us to wait, He wants us to wait submissively not wait unwillingly. This is very important because it is through being submissive that we will be able to understand His plan for us more clearly. They are people who get disappointed with God and themselves. Some might claim that they are willing to wait but in the process, they refused to pray, go to church and communicate with brethren. They have harden their hearts towards God. 

Most of the time, God's perfect will cannot be understood simply or instantly. When we serve and shepherd others, we will be able to know His will better. Jesus asked us to ask whatever in His name and it will be given to us- in this context, it means that we would be able to understand His will after that. Only at that time, our joy will be complete. Then what does it mean by in my name?  When we submit, confirm and wait upon the Lord , we will be able to receive the true answers. God has already given us the Holy Spirit so that we will be able to understand all things in Him. May you and I be diligent in confirming the Truth. God bless!

John 15

I have been busy lately, its the second week of the block and my end of semester test is in less than a month's time. I won't be able to blog very often since I can hardly find some time to study. This is just a short post on today's Every Emmanuel. I just did some simple translation, I may have missed out some points here and there because I couldn't understand some terms. Hopefully, my Chinese class would do some good. 

Keep Testifying even as The World Keep Persecuting

In church, there are believers who say they would be happy and thank God as long as their life is smooth sailing while some say that they hold on to one principle - they won't hurt others if others don't hurt them. However, if you are a born again Christian, you will definitely have trials and tribulations in your life, the world will not stop attacking you because the ruler of the air, Satan always go against the God in your heart. Everything that is of this world is of the opposite of God. 

John 15: 18-20,25-26

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. Remember what I told you: ' A servant is not greater than his master'. If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. But this is to fulfill what is written in the Law: ' They will hate me without a reason'. " When the Advocate comes, whom I will send to you from the Father- the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father- he will testify about me. 

We must know that since the beginning, Satan has already go against God, so he also opposes and attacks those who believe God.
Satan's attack comes in 2  forms- Temptation and Accusation.
If you realize that you face many stress, temptations, accusations and etc it is because you are the type that goes after the Kingdom of God. That is why the culture of the world is always going against you. For example, the worldly people go after success, achievements, materials but what you want to do is love God and live a life centered on that. Then the world will go against you but this is not your fault. It is because the world hated our Lord Jesus first, so they are hating us now. Take heart and be joyful for your reward will be great.
In contrast, if you are a believer that follows the world, you won't experience these struggles in you. And you will eventually be swallowed up by the world and end up as its slave. Just like Lot who stayed in Sodom and Gomorrah. He grieved about the sins of the city everyday but is unable to leave because his wealth, possessions, family, everything that he has is in that city. He couldn't leave that fallen city. Do not walk such path.
Follow the path of Abraham instead. Even though he faced some struggles and challenges ( he was troubles because he had no son), he still followed God and end up getting the best things in life.
God has given us the Holy Spirit that would help us in all things so that we may have wisdom and power to overcome the problems we face. For example, if you have a marriage problem now, God will ask you not to focus on that. Focus on how God is helping you and guiding you each step that you take. If you have a financial problem, it is just temporary, God won't let you remain poor forever. Don't put your focus in your problem, focus on Him, your provider. Whatever that you need today, give thanks for the day, then you'll be able to see His timely provisions.
In verse 26, it is written that the Holy Spirit will testify for Jesus. When we are in our problems, God wants us to continue to testify for Him. God is equipping us in our struggles so that we are able to testify the love and mercy of God more effective and convincing. The trial will bring out the most beautiful testimony in us. You will then help many people and bring them to Christ, eventually your problem will also be resolved.
Do not be afraid of trials and tribulations, this is the process God uses to help us mature spiritually and testify God.

ps: Prayer request: Please pray that I would be able to grasp every opportunity to be Holy Spirit filled and be able to transcend over my situation. Thank you.

2 Chronicles 20

My one week break just ended and I am back to cold showers and my own cooked meals. My time spent in Penang was not very fruitful because my  spiritual growth has remain stagnant. In my hometown, I always look forward to come back here where I am able to attend church freely, gather with my brethren and listen to His words. I like my life here- even though I am living in some remote small town that even McDonald refuse to have a franchise here. 

Sunday

I was ( still am ) enlightened with last Sunday's message, maybe because the week's break without God's word has made me appreciate the time I get to attend service here even more. But the highlight of this post is not on the message. Just after service, I was attacked by Satan. And I ended up crying in the car, in the mall and in my room. I mean I was already weak without God's word and so I broke down. I experienced the feeling of not wanting to pray, I feel fed up at God, I feel tortured and oppressed, it feels like whatever I do is never going to be good enough. In short, I was depressed with my life and the situation that God has put me in. My lips could not give thanks and sing praises to Him. 

Have you ever feel so angry and upset that you don't want to talk to God? Like you want to ignore Him. But the funny thing is no matter how hard you try to walk away, you just end up talking to Him again. You know you need Jesus. Yes, He is unseen. You may not be able to even 'feel' His presence. But somehow, you are assured that He is still with you just as He has promised. My lips may be tightly sealed, refusing to utter a word to Him. Yet, my heart yearns for His comforting words. And that was how my Sunday ended.

Monday

Since Sunday didn't end on a high note,my  Monday morning was a little affected. All went well until the test results were out. I wasn't ready for it. I know I did better compare to last test but it wasn't exactly great. So, I didn't have the courage to check my results. I told myself that I'll come home and pray about it and I will only check it when I gather enough strength to fight the unpleasant thought if  I fail. Just when I thought I got everything under control, suddenly the results were posted online and I accidentally saw it when my heart was still weak. I broke down. I failed again- 46/100. Looking at the result, I couldn't stop weeping. 

So I wiped my tears dry for real and start clicking at my church websites. After several failed attempts of trying to get to the websites, I almost gave up. I know this is definitely Satan's work so I prayed. And with God's grace, there is still one website that is not down. 

The title of the sermon  is Praise the Lord in the Holy Spirit and you shall see victory. 

That was the message I heard right before I sat for my test and listening to it for the second time, it really feels different from the first time. It was really as though, God tailor made the message just for me. 

What really convict me is that God's plan is far greater than my plan, His thoughts far exceed mine. I have the tendency to hold on to my certain ideal thoughts. Like this time, its on passing a test. Maybe you would have question God on my behalf, " She just want to pass a test, she's not asking for anything ambitious at all, why can't You grant this small desire?". God can easily let me pass. I just missed by 4 marks.If God can part the Red Sea without a sweat, what is this to Him?

Then this is the part that I realized that often in life, we may think what we want is ideal, we may have picked up a piece of rock on the ground and held on to it tightly like its a piece of gold and  refuse to let  go when God asks us to. If God didn't prepare a diamond for us, do you think He'll ask us to let  go off the things we deem valuable and worthy of holding on? 

Most of the time, we failed to see the bigger picture. We clench onto many things ( thoughts, relationships, wealth and etc) because we can't see the greater blessings from God. We complain about certain failures( my test), temporary circumstances all because we don't know what He has planned ahead.

 " It is not for you to know the time or dates the Father has set by his own authority". Acts 1:7 

My housemate asked why did I fail again, what went wrong. Honestly, I do not know the exact answer. Not finishing the syllabus is secondary in this case. I believe that God won't let me go through this without a greater plan in mind. 

Give thanks to God that our days and hours have been made unknown to us and because of this we need to rely on Him everyday to face the uncertain days. 

When we are in difficult situation like this, we must not let ourselves remain in a weak state ,like how I refused to pray. In 2 Chronicles 20, King Jehoshaphat was under the attack of a vast army against his people. Obviously,  he didn't resolve to crying like me, instead he prayed. If you study carefully on his prayer ( verse 5 to 9), he prays in a way that he knows he is the child of God. A child of God is one who is bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, who was once living in darkness but with the saving grace of Christ, he is now living in the light. Therefore, as a child of God, we all have the privilege and power to pray and  when we do, the gates of heaven open and the army of angels start to move.

So what did God say? 

Do not be afraid or discouraged of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15

The way God instruct them to fight the war is interesting that is to sing praises to Him. God didn't ask His people to prepare swords nor spears, but to sing. In our difficulties, God don't expect much from us, He doesn't expect us to do what we are not capable of. He really just want us to submit to Him entirely and give thanks. Just as simple as that. 

When we continue to give thanks and sing praises to Him regardless of the situation we are in, the fears and worries within us will be driven out and be replaced with His great love. 

In my case, I give thanks for my results. If it wasn't because I fail, I guess I won't listen to the message again and receive such valuable lesson on giving thanks. 

When you see the rocky path ahead of you but you feel assured that God never make mistake and this is the greatest plan He has for you, you respond " Lord, I'm willing."- This is called submission. 

ps: Here is the link to the video. For greater details, listen to the message. ( The sermon is in Cantonese and is simultaneously translated to English). Enjoy. 

http://www.christlifeliving.com/en/gospel/worship-message/praise_the_lord_in_the_holy_spirit_and_you_shall_see_victory.html

John 12:24

Here is a short post on the Everyday Emmanuel today. I find it very relevant to my situation now because currently I am preparing for my second test on next week. Lately, I haven't been very submissive. I have been pushing myself to study very hard for this test out of fear that I might fail again. And because of this worldly knowledge, I have been drawn away from God. I had two unpleasant dreams last night, leaving me waking up in fear today. I have been holding on to too many fears and worldly values in me and its really time to die to myself. So, I prayed and God prepared this message for me.

The Power of the Holy Spirit Unravel When We Submit Till The End. 

Do you know what is the main motive of God when He first called us? He wants us to die. Dying here refers to dying to ourselves and submit to Him completely. The Chinese character used in the video is 顺从. Google translate gave me many definitions of this word : submissiveness, obedience, humbleness,meekness , etc. ( I rely on Google translate a lot because I am not Chinese educated so that explains everything). I find this translation very accurate in a way that submitting to God, requires obedience and one has to be very humble. And the most beautiful and accurate serving is all about dying to ourselves. This is clearly demonstrated by Jesus in His lifetime. Everybody live to live but He came to die. And His death has drawn many to God. 

If you have time, please read John 12:23-26 ,32-33. The bible verse that was highlighted is Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

There are many believers who are ready to serve God, evangelize and so on. But they are unwilling to die to themselves.

 For example, some wants to evangelize to a thousand people but what if God just want them to love those around them, are they willing?

Maybe you want to save many souls on earth, but what if God just want you to live happily each day, find joy in working, helping those around you, wash their feet, are you willing?

Perhaps, you want to earn a lot of money to build God's kingdom but what if God wants you to give those around you who are in need? Are you willing?

The emphasis here is submission. God wants us to follow the steps of Jesus Christ, who of course is most submissive and obedient even to the point of death. 

Today, whatever is it that God wants you to do, you just have to simply obey. Whatever position, situation that God has put you in, you just have to play your part in submitting to Him. Some might complain about the simple task that God has assigned them or the lowly position they hold, so they asked, " What can I accomplish ?" It is not for us to ask God such question because that is God's matter. The only thing you have to do is submit to Him. 

In the Bible, there are many "small" characters: Peter, who is a failed fisherman. Mary an adulterer. But Peter obeyed God and became a great apostle. Mary poured expensive perfume on Jesus's  feet and this was recorded in the Bible. Their submission has influenced many people. Jesus even to the point of death is submissive and obedient. Those who saw the death of Jesus on the cross are unable to forget it and became compel to spread the gospel.

Question of the day: So how God wants you to die today? Do not look down on even the simplest task that God wants you to do because it is our part to be submissive while His part is on accomplishing the task.

This message reminds me of what a Reverend told us, that is we have to die to ourselves every single day.

I may have stray away from God for awhile, been stubborn for awhile, unwilling to be submissive for awhile but the good thing about God is, whenever I run back to Him, He welcomes me with His open arms regardless of my disobedience.

After listening to this video, I asked God what He wants me to do today. He wants me to write this post. God bless!

ps: For this post, I merely translate what was shared in this video. The translation may not be very accurate, so let me apologize in advance. I also included some of my thoughts in it. Of course, its better for you to watch the video yourself if you understand mandarin. 

Matthew 4:4

Its never an easy task for me to come up with a post , most of the times, I have the sudden urge to blog but the fire is quickly put out with my scattered thoughts. I have it in me, but sometimes they come so fast and in numbers that I don't know which one to blog about. So coming up with just a post always follow a certain pattern - typing, deleting, rewriting, re- deleting and so on till I gave up. That explains why the long delay. 

Nothing exceptionally unusual or exciting happened last week, it was normal outwardly, me going to class early as usual and occasionally  my mind wanders off as soon as my lecturer starts teaching. It looked like my typical day in uni. But the truth is, I was struggling in class, not because I was unable to pay attention but because Satan came and messed up my thoughts. He make me looked at things that are thorn in my eyes, he showed me my fears and weaknesses, he let me feel so oppressed in my problems and  he gladly helped me amplify my problems. And when he hit me like that, I would usually break down, but because I was in class most of the times, I was trying hard to put on a normal face. 

It was actually a significant week for me as I just started listening to the 36 lessons, so I felt great until 

Satan came in my thoughts. At times like this, its easy to lose the assurance, to lose the purpose and to lose sight of God. When Satan fires all my fears to me at one go, its not easy to fight back even with God's words. I thanked God that He had prepared me before hand with His words, I may have struggled in the beginning, but things got slightly easier one day after another.

I used to think that listening to His words, attending Sunday service, reading Bible are my duties as a Christian. Back then when I was still in PJ doing my Foundation, I had to wake up early to catch the bus, then take the lrt and transit to another lrt and wait in the middle of nowhere ( actually I just stand at the side of the road) for my friends to pick me, all by myself. At times, when I reached early,I had to stand for 30 minutes looking like an idiot as the cars passed by. Honestly, I am quite tempted at times, to skip service especially when I missed my bus. I used to tell God, since its so hard ( and also dangerous- there are so many types of humans in the lrt like the weird looking ones and perverted looking ones and especially hard for me since I am such a paranoid)  for me to get to His church, He better bless me with good results and all kinds of blessings. 

And those times, when I apologize to God for not being able to listen to the messages and when I am too busy preparing for exam so I take that as an excuse to not read the Bible and those times that I refused to talk to Him because I am mad or too busy.
How foolish I was!

I thought God need me to talk to Him but  in fact he wasn't the one who is lonely. 

I thought God need me to attend His service but I am the one who need to hear His words. 

I thought God wants me to read the Bible but I didn't realized His words are the answers to my problems. 

How often do we feel as though God needs our help or presence to get things done?

 And how often we make our God  a forceful God? How often we worship God out of duty?
The truth is without God, I can't accomplish anything, all those things that I thought were my duties and responsibilities are actually the solutions to my problems!

You can hypnotize yourself, lie to the world you  have no problem, you can even hide it at the little corner of your brain, suppress the negative feelings, don't talk about it, don't deal with it but one fine day, your unresolved problem will appear. 

You can try repeating the whole cycle again but trust me, it never helps. I been in that situation before. If you think you're smart, think twice, Satan who has lived for two thousand years is way smarter than you, there is no way you can beat him with your own effort. 

When I was troubled and sunk in my weaknesses, I can quickly get up and be assured. I am assured that God is with me in my problem, He knows my greatest fears and my weakest point, He knows that I am struggling and most importantly, I confirm again and again that whatever flaws I have now coincides with the purpose I am studying in this course and to help those with the same problem. 

I keep my eyes always on the LORD. 

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

And real joy comes from being able to hear God's voice in whatever you do everyday. 

Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

 Matthew 4:4

I need God everyday without Him, I will be sucked into the worldly culture. The longer you wait for the right time to ask for help, the harder it is for you to get out from your struggles.

 God doesn't want us to do great noble things, God calls us to do the little things while He does the BIG things. Guard your flesh and your heart, pray and submit everything to Him. 

And you will be amazed when God moves His hands.

ps: Based on the number of times the word "need" appear in this post really shows how much you and I really need Him in our lives.

Philippians 1:6

I guess I have been pretty laid back for these couple of weeks, with so many things happening, I just couldn't find the time to blog or rather the conviction . My sincere apology to you, if you've been waiting for me to come up with a post. I drafted many posts before this, but I don't know why, all doesn't seem good enough to be read- I don't even feel like reading it, so I don't want to insult anyone in this manner. 

Well, its the second week of the second block for this semester. I got my first test result about a week ago. I failed. I got 37/100. Don't be surprised that I wasn't sad at all, not even a bit. I expected myself to fail based on my last minute revision and how much I have covered the syllabus, it will shake the entire campus if I pass. Even my mum was surprised that I didn't cry. I am not sure how those who failed have reacted, but I thanked God for the peace and assurance. I remembered that few days before I sat for my test, I felt fine not being to perform my best, felt fine that I only managed to revise about 15%. Its just that I felt so peaceful, knowing that everything is in His plan and there's more than just pass a test. Its not because it contributes only 7.5% for finals, not because its a norm to have high casualties for the first test. Its because you know this is not everything, Medicine is not everything. 

You will know how I feel when you have the chance to experience it yourself. Its not the peace that the world gives but from the one who created the universe and me.

I guess it was probably because I just came back from the Remnant Conference that time, so my heart was really convicted. A sister told me that Medicine is just a tool God uses to mold me and help me overcome my weaknesses. Along the way, I will learn how to rely on Him, be entirely submissive and to grow spiritually.

I mean, its hard for a person like me who tend to feel small and intimidated so easily to be doing such a competitive course with so many smart people. Did I even mention that I get stomachache upon hearing my  course mate's name because I feel so stressed? I mean literally.  It really did kill me when every single term seems so foreign to me and when your course mates could easily answer the tutorial questions when many claimed that they didn't study and you thought it was such a comfort that you're not alone but then you get the harsh truth that you are alone when it comes to not knowing anything. That by far was the most shitty (excuse my language) feeling ever.

These five years are going to be really exciting because this is the time where my relationship with Him will get closer, my faith will get strengthened and I will witness how His love for me will be magnified. I don't mean that I am not going to feel inferior and stress from now, but I am assured because

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6 

A sister gave me two prayer topics during the Remnant Conference and I am very happy with it. I don't think I am ready to share it with anyone yet but I can only say that I am very happy. I'm thrilled knowing that its exactly what God wants me to pray about. I received so much from the camp that it just makes me smile each time I think of it. Its the joy from God and only His that will be able to put a smile on me from now on.I wish that you can feel the joy within me and share my passion for Him. God bless!

ps: Future updates on this blog will not be announced on Facebook anymore. I believe that God will convict those whom he wants to convict to read my blog, those previous announcements are merely for introductory purpose. 

Last Night

Last night, I had a dream. It doesn't seem scary at first, but when I tried to recall the details while I was having dinner just now, it freaked me out a little. So, here it goes.

In my dream, 

I could see that someone was planning a revenge on me due to some misunderstanding in the past. ( can't recall any details) Then somehow, I was in the car and it was moving. I could feel my Pastor's presence with me that time  and there was nothing unusual. 

Then a big car went past us and I could feel that the driver was the one who intended to seek revenge on me. I couldn't see the driver but I saw a pair skinny kid's legs complete with socks and shoes. His leg was sticking upwards, waving and it seems liked he was abducted and was struggling. So, we make a U- turn and followed the car. It stopped and when the passenger's seat was opened, a white cloth covered the child. Someone lifted it up, But I couldn't recall the face. 

The next time I remembered was, the child who was very emaciated and fair was kneeling in front of me. His hands grabbed mine firmly. 

He said something about the gospel. I couldn't recall any word. He tried to deceive me.But I could sensed his darkness and I tried to get my hands out from his firm grip. 

Then he turned into an adult, still very fair and skinny, he stood about six steps away from me. I shouted " Get away from me Satan, leave now, in Jesus's name". ( Wasn't the exact sentence I said, but it was something similar and I trembled a little in the dream). Then I threw some black small thing to him. ( My friend said that it could be my Bible because its black but mine wasn't small- unnecessary details, move on)

He bled profusely. Blood was gushing out from his body  and he didn't come near me anymore. 

I feel as if he was mocking me after that even though I couldn't remember his face. 

The dream ended and I woke up. 

I was a bit disturbed at the morning, but since I was in a hurry because I woke up late, I didn't really think about the dream until I was in the car. 

Its not just another nightmare, this dream comes with spiritual meanings .My pastor said  that before the darkness leaves, satan will try to make a fuss first. 

I'm glad that the darkness in me is finally leaving, and this is a sign- whether I like it or not. 

I received a lot of answers when I was in the Remnant Conference just few days ago, and this explains why I have this dream, just after a day I came back. 

I am not going to share the content of the conference in this post, but I have already draft out some convictions I have. Updates will not be that soon because I will be having my first test next week but stay tuned!

Jeremiah 29:11

How I got into Medicine in UTAR, is a miracle. And it is because of this that I have vow to testify for God. It took me so long to finally come out with this post, why? Because I have been waiting for the perfect time to write this testimony. I have been giving myself excuses to delay, blame my hectic schedule, my laziness and so on. But I shall procrastinate no more, before I grow numb and lost the spark in me to write down His beautiful works in my life.

This is how it all began, 

when I applied for MBBS in 2011 after I got my STPM results, I was full of anticipation that God will get me in. Why? because I had the most  excruciating experience in my life when I was in Upper Six. So, I thought God will reward me after the tormenting experience I had. But I was wrong, I was rejected due to a B- in Maths. Before that, I knew very well that my result won't be good enough, but I thought somehow  God will make a way for me, in short I was hoping for a miracle. Just as I thought I have set my heart straight for Journalism, I was suddenly offered a place in Foundation In Science. Where? UTAR of course. With mixed feelings, I took up the offer. That itself is also a struggle because I really feel like a failure, having to repeat what I have studied in Form Six. Imagine the humiliating moment when your friends ask you what degree are you studying and you are like," Errr, I am taking Foundation now". While most of my friends, skipped happily into their degree courses, I am in UTAR of all places doing FIS at the age of 20. During those day, I was so afraid that I might bump into my ex schoolmates, and they will definitely ask what I am doing now, bla bla bla. I was prideful ( okay, I still have some pride in me now). Not to mention the unseen discrimination I feared when my fellow course mates know that I did STPM before. Not that I was left out, I just have that fear in me. Initially I felt a bit out of place, but soon enough, God bless me with a group of awesome friends. 

I thought I would do well because Foundation would be nothing compared to Form Six. Yea, I thought. 

And  no, I didn't do well. After the first semester I lost my full scholarship, but my result was good enough for me to get a partial scholarship. Time flies, and history repeats itself in semester 2, I didn't get back my full scholarship. It was hurtful and I was covered with shame. 

The greatest blessing was after the third semester, not that I studied extremely hard ,did very well and sailed into MBBS with full pride.None of those happened.  

I need a GPA of 3.75 to make up a CGPA of 3.5 to enter MBBS. 

God bless me with a CGPA of 3.39. I didn't see that as a blessing at the beginning. I was shocked. I didn't know how to react. I cried. I was helpless and hopeless. I couldn't stop crying in church, it was during Friday's meeting. The result was out one day earlier, just like how God had planned it. 

Four days of tearful prayers, along with four sleepless nights, accompanied by wet pillows and mucous stained blanket. The worst part- trying so hard to cover up the sobs at night, because I feared that my mum and sis would know about it. I don't have the heart to break the news to them. I was devastated. Even the word devastated cannot accurately describe how I felt at that moment.

 What got me through was His words,  I hold on to one verse which I like the most " For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Recalling those moments were painful, I didn't know what to do. And nothing can be done since its weekends, I couldn't call  UTAR to ask. With tears I cried out to God, " WHY???? Why did you put me through this if its not Your will for me to get in? Why let me waste another year? What am I going to do now? How am I going to face my family?". I couldn't decide which days were worse, those days in Form Six  ( I will try to share my experience, when I gather enough courage for that in the future) or when I am calling out for God at that time. My eyes were so swollen that the sight of myself  in the mirror makes me want to cry even more. But slowly, my prayer changed. I don't know His perfect will at that time, and I wasn't willing to submit to Him fully. There is still a part of me that hope for a miracle, but at the same time I was filled with fear too. So, I told Him, that I may not be able to submit, but I am willing, I want to be willing to submit to Him no matter what the outcome is. With tears I said, " May Your will be done and not mine". Even if I don't make it into MBBS, as long as it is Your will, lead me to where He wants me to go. I could sleep after that.

I don't know whether I have fully submitted to Him that moment or not, but somehow I was relieved. I could sleep till the next morning, I didn't wake up in the middle of the night crying anymore. 

My dad knew something was wrong with me when I went out with him and my sister for movie on Saturday.  The thing is my dad would be  the last person on earth to know the news if  I have a bad news like this. I know he will come up with options or solutions or worst, ask me what I want to do now- what's my plan. The thing is I don't even have Plan B to begin with. And I don't want to make any plans before God, I want to know His will. My pastor advised me to call UTAR on Monday to check with them whether is it possible to appeal. I just want to settle this problem on my own, I don't want my dad's help. I just want to do things on my own this time.

On Monday, I was waiting for the perfect time to call- when I am not with my mum and sister, because for sure, not matter what the outcome is, I'll definitely cry like a pig. But in the morning, my dad gave me a call to tell me that he already talk to the Head of Admission and he said that I can appeal. I might need recommendation letters from my lecturers, talk to the dean or retake some papers.This will also depend on whether they have a place for me or not, if this year's intake is full, I will have to wait for another year. My heart sank when I heard the last part. Retake some papers? There is only one intake each year and I am so sick of studying the same thing over and over again. I didn't want to know anymore but just pray that things will eventually go well. By afternoon, I called the HOA myself, He said that I am in his recommended list. If the Dean agrees, I  am in. At that moment, it was still a yes and no situation. I might or might not get in. 

After a few hours, HOA called me. It was a good news, I got in. I jumped with joy in church, couldn't wait to tell my mum and sister and dad. I literally jump around like a child. All these wouldn't happen without the prayers of my church and all the brothers and sisters.

Indeed my result is a blessing from God, He gave me this miracle that I will never ever  forget. With a CGPA of 3.39, I got into a course I want, like how God have planned it. Not by my hard work but with His grace that I enter. Because of this, I can never boast how smart I am, or how hard working I am, for it is very clear, this is not the work of man but His work.

When my days seem dark and no one knows how I feel, my greatest comfort is from Jesus. I know He knows my pain and shares my burden. I am assured that He is still with me. When times are tough and I find no strength to walk on my own, He carries me with His mighty hands and show me how much He loves me. Since God put me in this course, He will definitely guide me through, even when things are rough.

Just like the hymn that goes, 

 Because I know

 He holds the future

 and life is worth the living just because He lives

ps: It turns out that the HOA is a Christian too. Can you see how God works now?