My one week break just ended and I am back to cold showers and my own cooked meals. My time spent in Penang was not very fruitful because my spiritual growth has remain stagnant. In my hometown, I always look forward to come back here where I am able to attend church freely, gather with my brethren and listen to His words. I like my life here- even though I am living in some remote small town that even McDonald refuse to have a franchise here.
Sunday
I was ( still am ) enlightened with last Sunday's message, maybe because the week's break without God's word has made me appreciate the time I get to attend service here even more. But the highlight of this post is not on the message. Just after service, I was attacked by Satan. And I ended up crying in the car, in the mall and in my room. I mean I was already weak without God's word and so I broke down. I experienced the feeling of not wanting to pray, I feel fed up at God, I feel tortured and oppressed, it feels like whatever I do is never going to be good enough. In short, I was depressed with my life and the situation that God has put me in. My lips could not give thanks and sing praises to Him.
Have you ever feel so angry and upset that you don't want to talk to God? Like you want to ignore Him. But the funny thing is no matter how hard you try to walk away, you just end up talking to Him again. You know you need Jesus. Yes, He is unseen. You may not be able to even 'feel' His presence. But somehow, you are assured that He is still with you just as He has promised. My lips may be tightly sealed, refusing to utter a word to Him. Yet, my heart yearns for His comforting words. And that was how my Sunday ended.
Monday
Since Sunday didn't end on a high note,my Monday morning was a little affected. All went well until the test results were out. I wasn't ready for it. I know I did better compare to last test but it wasn't exactly great. So, I didn't have the courage to check my results. I told myself that I'll come home and pray about it and I will only check it when I gather enough strength to fight the unpleasant thought if I fail. Just when I thought I got everything under control, suddenly the results were posted online and I accidentally saw it when my heart was still weak. I broke down. I failed again- 46/100. Looking at the result, I couldn't stop weeping.
So I wiped my tears dry for real and start clicking at my church websites. After several failed attempts of trying to get to the websites, I almost gave up. I know this is definitely Satan's work so I prayed. And with God's grace, there is still one website that is not down.
The title of the sermon is Praise the Lord in the Holy Spirit and you shall see victory.
That was the message I heard right before I sat for my test and listening to it for the second time, it really feels different from the first time. It was really as though, God tailor made the message just for me.
What really convict me is that God's plan is far greater than my plan, His thoughts far exceed mine. I have the tendency to hold on to my certain ideal thoughts. Like this time, its on passing a test. Maybe you would have question God on my behalf, " She just want to pass a test, she's not asking for anything ambitious at all, why can't You grant this small desire?". God can easily let me pass. I just missed by 4 marks.If God can part the Red Sea without a sweat, what is this to Him?
Then this is the part that I realized that often in life, we may think what we want is ideal, we may have picked up a piece of rock on the ground and held on to it tightly like its a piece of gold and refuse to let go when God asks us to. If God didn't prepare a diamond for us, do you think He'll ask us to let go off the things we deem valuable and worthy of holding on?
Most of the time, we failed to see the bigger picture. We clench onto many things ( thoughts, relationships, wealth and etc) because we can't see the greater blessings from God. We complain about certain failures( my test), temporary circumstances all because we don't know what He has planned ahead.
" It is not for you to know the time or dates the Father has set by his own authority". Acts 1:7
My housemate asked why did I fail again, what went wrong. Honestly, I do not know the exact answer. Not finishing the syllabus is secondary in this case. I believe that God won't let me go through this without a greater plan in mind.
Give thanks to God that our days and hours have been made unknown to us and because of this we need to rely on Him everyday to face the uncertain days.
When we are in difficult situation like this, we must not let ourselves remain in a weak state ,like how I refused to pray. In 2 Chronicles 20, King Jehoshaphat was under the attack of a vast army against his people. Obviously, he didn't resolve to crying like me, instead he prayed. If you study carefully on his prayer ( verse 5 to 9), he prays in a way that he knows he is the child of God. A child of God is one who is bought with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, who was once living in darkness but with the saving grace of Christ, he is now living in the light. Therefore, as a child of God, we all have the privilege and power to pray and when we do, the gates of heaven open and the army of angels start to move.
So what did God say?
Do not be afraid or discouraged of this vast army. For the battle is not yours but God's. 2 Chronicles 20:15
The way God instruct them to fight the war is interesting that is to sing praises to Him. God didn't ask His people to prepare swords nor spears, but to sing. In our difficulties, God don't expect much from us, He doesn't expect us to do what we are not capable of. He really just want us to submit to Him entirely and give thanks. Just as simple as that.
When we continue to give thanks and sing praises to Him regardless of the situation we are in, the fears and worries within us will be driven out and be replaced with His great love.
In my case, I give thanks for my results. If it wasn't because I fail, I guess I won't listen to the message again and receive such valuable lesson on giving thanks.
When you see the rocky path ahead of you but you feel assured that God never make mistake and this is the greatest plan He has for you, you respond " Lord, I'm willing."- This is called submission.
ps: Here is the link to the video. For greater details, listen to the message. ( The sermon is in Cantonese and is simultaneously translated to English). Enjoy.
2 comments:
Hi Geraldine, I want to thank you for writing this post! God has used you to write this post especially the link of the message. I was lifted up as well after hearing the message. It is really important for us to see God and knowing what is He doing in our difficult time and knowing that it is His will, so that we praise Him in whatever we face, as we praise Him the heaven open and we receive extra ordinary strength come from above to overcome whatever we face. Thank you for this post! :)
Thank you =D
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