Monday, June 30, 2014

I Am Willing To Love The Lord, But Why Can I Not Bring About Affections?

Hello!
I know it has been a long time since I blogged. This is just a short translation from a Q & A video between my pastor and a sister. A friend asked for the translation, so I might as well put it here too. Because who knows, someone out there might have the same question in their minds. The translation may not be that accurate. But better than nothing for those who can't understand Chinese at all. 


Pastor: What do you think? Do you think love is from affections/ feelings?
Sister: I am not sure. When we talk about love, normally we want to feel it and if I am lukewarm towards God , I feel that I don’t love God.
Pastor: 
So this is the problem I want to solve here. We need to first ask ourselves, where does love comes from? And how do I know how much I love God?
Most of the time, we judge how much we love God through our feelings or emotions. But this is wrong.
Even though God gave us feelings but love does not come from there because feelings change easily.
God says I am the Truth and the Way. So first, I must know God. Through knowing Him, I develop a heart that loves Him.
If people were to ask me, ‘ Do you love your wife?’. I will say, of course I love my wife. But how do I know?
Because I know her and I formed a relationship from there. It’s not formed through emotions or feelings. When I live with my wife, sometimes I will feel angry at her, disappointed or no feelings at all. But I won’t give up my marriage just because I have such feelings because I know her. If she’s in danger, I will definitely protect her till the end. And this is love. And it is the same with our relationship with God.

It is love through knowing. My heart towards God is not always passionate and zealous but I will definitely follow Him till the end. Sometimes, when I hear certain things from God, I may not be able to accept or submit immediately, but I will struggle then I will submit.
There was a parable about a father who has a vineyard and 2 sons. He told his 2 sons to work in the vineyard. The first son said I will go, without hesitation and with full passion. But in the end, he didn’t go. The second son said, I will not go. But in the end, he went.  We can see through this, the second son really loves and obedient to his father.  Maybe, when he first heard the instruction from his father, he was feeling bored, tired, couldn’t find strength to do it. And his reaction shows rejection. But the heart that loves his father in him  makes him struggle inwardly for a while and he eventually did what he was told.
When our spirit continues to know God with foundation despite being in sufferings or in our weaknesses  and we begin to know Him more then love grows naturally. We will have the hunger for Him and a heart that is willing to follow Him.
This is a process through knowing, sufferings and repeatedly submitting to Him. Then Love is formed. 


This is the link to the full Q&A mp; A videos. And of course, it is in Chinese. 
http://www.lifechurchmissions.com/AskPastor.aspx

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The OCD

I have many things to give thanks for last year. It was a tough year for me, but the truth is which year isn't tough and since when days on earth are ever easy. Few days ago, I thought about what I have done for God in 2013 but I was afraid to think any deeper because I felt that I haven't achieve anything, I don't remember any prayer topics I have for the previous year, I am still weak, still affected by many things and I am only reminded of the weaknesses in me that I have to bring forward to this year. The thought of it was depressing. I didn't really look forward to this year, I feel it will be the same, I am still me after all. 
When I feel all depressed,I was convicted that God was good to me last year. God have been faithfully answering every single of my prayer but I wasn't faithful in confirming therefore I don't remember much. As I quiet down, I finally remembered that in fact I did overcome (not completely) my OCD last year. For the benefit of those who do not know me, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I am not formally diagnosed but I do have a serious problem with hygiene. I cannot share food with people. I simply cannot accept sharing saliva with someone like sharing food from the same plate, I will not take food that have been touched by other's chopstick or spoon, whenever I eat with other people, I will either take all the food I need before everyone starts digging into the food with their chopsticks or I will help myself with just one serving from each dish, like I won't take second serving if it's already taken by others. 
So eating with others is a problem to me. Don't get me wrong, I like the time I spent with people around me and talking over meals. I enjoy it. But at the same time, it freaks me out badly especially after church meetings or outings  then I don't know where we will have our meal and I get our scared thinking that it could 'zhu char' where you ordered a few dishes and eat with rice. Some places have the common spoon on each dish, so it actually isn't a problem. But no, yea the spoon is there but most of the time people don't use it and I am the only one being concerned and uptight about it. In the West I supposed its not a problem, I am not sure if its a Chinese thing or Asians in particular, they simply do not mind having several chopsticks digging through the food and have several saliva specimens on it. 
So you might think well, its not really a big deal, I am just a little more concerned about hygiene than other people. Its not just that, I remembered once I went to a friend's place for dinner and only found out that it was steamboat few hours before we go and I have no time to prepare myself. I had panic attack and end up crying several times in the toilet. End up everyone use the sieve to scoop out their fish balls and etc. It was very troublesome for them. Nobody complained but I was disturbed by myself because I didn't want to trouble those people who have to eat with me, also its rude to take the food first when eating zhu char especially with older people. My church friends have been very understanding so far, it freaks me out when I have to eat with people I don't know or people who don't know I have such disorder. Its more of a spiritual problem. It affects myself the most because I am always terrified at eating with people, almost never failed to freak out at the thought of it and feel accused that I will stumble non believers- because Christians aren't supposed to cause so much inconvenience over trivial matters and of all things- eating. And normal people eat normally without much fuss. 
Back then I was actually quite proud of myself when I managed to influence my family members like my aunts to have a common spoon for every dishes. Last time, when I dined with them, I will go through the trouble of asking for extra spoons and put it in every dish. Fortunately, my aunts and cousins are all very cooperative and now whenever they eat with me, they will have the spoons ready. If they invite us for steamboat, due to the presence of other family members who we hardly eat together therefore they don't know my hygiene issue, my family end up having a separate pot for ourselves. And my cousins and sister also become more aware of the saliva issue. I feel terrific if you were to ask me. 
However, this is not something I should be proud of. What I unknowingly did is called the influence of sin. There is nothing wrong with eating using the common spoon, but it is wrong when it affects you so much that you have trouble eating with people and hinders you from having relationship with people because you become so anti-social that you only want to eat alone but at the same time you want their companionship and the joy of interacting at the dining tables without being too annoyed at whoever that is not using that common spoon or be watchful at which side of the fish or chicken that has been contaminated already by someone's fork. 
How can you enjoy yourself when you are so concerned on what is going on those few dishes?
The struggle in me has been great and I have become close friends with OCD- such hate and love relationships that only few can understand. 
I was in self denial but the problem was obvious. My 'friend' made me cry numerous times and I wished I could be normal, being carefree and joyful when I eat with people. I hate that part of me who is so obsessed with hygiene yet I couldn't let it go and sometimes I let it defined me for who I am. People associate me with OCD. I cannot bring myself to eat other's saliva, I feel extremely disgusted beyond words. To make things clear, its not about the germs that I am afraid of, the fear of having to eat contaminated food ( not dirty food, in my terms it means contaminated with saliva) is far greater than getting hepatitis B (which can be transmitted through saliva- sharing of food).
So, it doesn't help being told that all bacterias of any sort are killed in that boiling steambot or that fried chicken, its not the germs, its your saliva that is bothering me. 
I remember that there were quite a number of times I prayed to God that I can overcome this but there are also times I resent Him for making things hard for me, why must I change, why can't God just make everyone use that damn spoon. Why does it seem like no one else has this problem except for me, why me and the list goes on. 
God works amazingly I must say. I did try my best to eat the contaminated food but I just can't do it. It frustrate me and often bring me to tears. Its like you tried removing a curry stain on a white shirt and no matter how many times you scrub and rub, it just stays there like. 
But God heard my cries and slowly and unknowingly I take my baby steps, getting out of my comfort zone bit by bit. It started off by eating from the same plate (without using the common spoon) but I am still careful so I don't end up taking the contaminated area and only applies to solid, dry food, liquid like soup is not applicable. Then God pushed me further, so I ended up eating from the same pot of liquid but I still cannot take the soup so I will only eat the content. Its like each time I outdo myself and its not that scary after all.
And good news is I didn't die from any saliva contamination( its not like I don't know saliva is harmless). 
Anyway, just as I thought I have wasted one year, God reminded me that He never waste our time. And I know I wouldn't be able to do it without prayers and God Himself. I am not completely fine, I still will not eat food offered to me if it is touched by others nor will I eat from the same bowl, but I must say I freak out lesser now, I can bear with it more, I try not to watch over the dishes anymore. I feel more free now and I am thankful for God's works in me. There is nothing so difficult that it cannot be overcome with prayers, sometimes you just need a little more time, a little more faith.

The one who loves us gives us an overwhelming victory in all these difficulties.
Romans 8:37

ps: Forgive me for the lengthy post, there is so much to write on my OCD that I can't decide which details should be excluded. And to the grammar nazis, sorry I cannot proof read because I am too tired and anxious to post this. God bless!