Today is the first day of my last block. It means that after this block I will be sitting for my finals. And if everything goes well, I'll be a second year student in May. Well, just a quick update, I finally pass my test for the very first time. I wasn't too happy with it at first, not because I am ungrateful of the result. It it definitely beyond what I can possibly achieve on my own. I was just annoyed that I have been praying about it for quite some time and didn't seem to get any answers. So I couldn't enjoy the happiness and joy of passing for the first time. By right I should be happier than a lot of people since I have been failing since the beginning. Well, I might as well say it out what I have been confirming. I really wasn't sure what I am expecting from God in order for me to really be convicted and sure of what I am have been praying for the past one month. You see, I do feel sad about not passing the past tests, being the very few who has been consistent in failing isn't really a good feeling. Even though I have His word with me, I still feel miserable and inferior at times. And trust me, its really a helpless feeling that you wouldn't understand unless you have been in my shoes before. I hate the feeling being affected by it when something comes up but feel absolutely assured when everything is well. I want to be consistent in feeling assured.
Then one day, it hit me that my self esteem and confidence shouldn't be proportional to how well I do in my tests. I am a child of God and there is nothing to be inferior of. I shouldn't be too bothered about what people say behind my back nor feel stupid because I am ignored in the group. God will raise me up one day in His time. I am a Christ ambassador and surely He will not let others look down on His child. As I confirm day after day, I begin to have a clearer picture. So now, I am taking the passing as a sign that I have been confirming the right thing all these while. I was the only one who is concerned about my results, God's concern is never about how well or bad I do. His only concern is in my relationship with me. God won't love me more just because I do better nor love me less just because I did badly. When I get our relationship right, everything else goes right too.
The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7
Last month, my sister moved to KL and I had mixed feelings about it. I was really uptight and worried because I feel that she is less independent, weaker, more emotional than I am. So, I thought I could prepare all the things I could for her. I thought I should help her get all the materials she might need for her course since she doesn't have a car here so transportation would be a problem. And I secretly prepared a friend for her just in case she needs help. I was more anxious and worried than her.
Last two years when I was studying in PJ, I knew how inconvenient it was to have no transport. I know how it feels like to have meals all by yourself without any company. And how terrifying it is to be in a campus where you don't know anyone. The more I think of it, the scarier my imagination went. I thought since I went through all those situations that God put me in , I would be able to understand her needs therefore I should do what I can for her. I went overboard in my opinion. I got it all wrong.
God didn't put me in those situations so that I can use my own experience to help her. God wants me to see how He has provided for me during those times. I remembered my first Physics lab, my friend and I didn't touch Physics since SPM so we are almost as good as clueless when it comes to the theory and all. I was terrified at the thought of doing a Physics experiment after 2 years. God gave us so much grace that day, a lab assistant gave us the model that can be used straightaway (it was the sample used by the previous class). And we didn't have to set up anything, everyone has to look at ours so they could set up theirs. In that week itself, I had to go class alone and my fear turned to reality when we were asked to do a group discussion and I had no friends that time. God sent this course mate to ask to join them and from then on, I belonged to a group and we became good friends. And when I needed transport to class or to dinner, I have friends that I can ask for help. God prepared all these people around me to help me in times of need. God knows very well that I break down easily even at the smallest problem and how my fears empowered me sometimes. In the same way God has shown me His provisions, He will also do the same for my sister in His time and with His ways. Its time to let go and let God take charge and quit having unnecessary worries. In last week's sermon, it was mentioned that man loses peace because he fails to see that God is in control and that He allows the trials and situation we are in. And that was what I failed to see in the beginning - His provisions.
God takes care of his own, even while they sleep Psalm 127:2
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