Jeremiah 29:11

How I got into Medicine in UTAR, is a miracle. And it is because of this that I have vow to testify for God. It took me so long to finally come out with this post, why? Because I have been waiting for the perfect time to write this testimony. I have been giving myself excuses to delay, blame my hectic schedule, my laziness and so on. But I shall procrastinate no more, before I grow numb and lost the spark in me to write down His beautiful works in my life.

This is how it all began, 

when I applied for MBBS in 2011 after I got my STPM results, I was full of anticipation that God will get me in. Why? because I had the most  excruciating experience in my life when I was in Upper Six. So, I thought God will reward me after the tormenting experience I had. But I was wrong, I was rejected due to a B- in Maths. Before that, I knew very well that my result won't be good enough, but I thought somehow  God will make a way for me, in short I was hoping for a miracle. Just as I thought I have set my heart straight for Journalism, I was suddenly offered a place in Foundation In Science. Where? UTAR of course. With mixed feelings, I took up the offer. That itself is also a struggle because I really feel like a failure, having to repeat what I have studied in Form Six. Imagine the humiliating moment when your friends ask you what degree are you studying and you are like," Errr, I am taking Foundation now". While most of my friends, skipped happily into their degree courses, I am in UTAR of all places doing FIS at the age of 20. During those day, I was so afraid that I might bump into my ex schoolmates, and they will definitely ask what I am doing now, bla bla bla. I was prideful ( okay, I still have some pride in me now). Not to mention the unseen discrimination I feared when my fellow course mates know that I did STPM before. Not that I was left out, I just have that fear in me. Initially I felt a bit out of place, but soon enough, God bless me with a group of awesome friends. 

I thought I would do well because Foundation would be nothing compared to Form Six. Yea, I thought. 

And  no, I didn't do well. After the first semester I lost my full scholarship, but my result was good enough for me to get a partial scholarship. Time flies, and history repeats itself in semester 2, I didn't get back my full scholarship. It was hurtful and I was covered with shame. 

The greatest blessing was after the third semester, not that I studied extremely hard ,did very well and sailed into MBBS with full pride.None of those happened.  

I need a GPA of 3.75 to make up a CGPA of 3.5 to enter MBBS. 

God bless me with a CGPA of 3.39. I didn't see that as a blessing at the beginning. I was shocked. I didn't know how to react. I cried. I was helpless and hopeless. I couldn't stop crying in church, it was during Friday's meeting. The result was out one day earlier, just like how God had planned it. 

Four days of tearful prayers, along with four sleepless nights, accompanied by wet pillows and mucous stained blanket. The worst part- trying so hard to cover up the sobs at night, because I feared that my mum and sis would know about it. I don't have the heart to break the news to them. I was devastated. Even the word devastated cannot accurately describe how I felt at that moment.

 What got me through was His words,  I hold on to one verse which I like the most " For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Recalling those moments were painful, I didn't know what to do. And nothing can be done since its weekends, I couldn't call  UTAR to ask. With tears I cried out to God, " WHY???? Why did you put me through this if its not Your will for me to get in? Why let me waste another year? What am I going to do now? How am I going to face my family?". I couldn't decide which days were worse, those days in Form Six  ( I will try to share my experience, when I gather enough courage for that in the future) or when I am calling out for God at that time. My eyes were so swollen that the sight of myself  in the mirror makes me want to cry even more. But slowly, my prayer changed. I don't know His perfect will at that time, and I wasn't willing to submit to Him fully. There is still a part of me that hope for a miracle, but at the same time I was filled with fear too. So, I told Him, that I may not be able to submit, but I am willing, I want to be willing to submit to Him no matter what the outcome is. With tears I said, " May Your will be done and not mine". Even if I don't make it into MBBS, as long as it is Your will, lead me to where He wants me to go. I could sleep after that.

I don't know whether I have fully submitted to Him that moment or not, but somehow I was relieved. I could sleep till the next morning, I didn't wake up in the middle of the night crying anymore. 

My dad knew something was wrong with me when I went out with him and my sister for movie on Saturday.  The thing is my dad would be  the last person on earth to know the news if  I have a bad news like this. I know he will come up with options or solutions or worst, ask me what I want to do now- what's my plan. The thing is I don't even have Plan B to begin with. And I don't want to make any plans before God, I want to know His will. My pastor advised me to call UTAR on Monday to check with them whether is it possible to appeal. I just want to settle this problem on my own, I don't want my dad's help. I just want to do things on my own this time.

On Monday, I was waiting for the perfect time to call- when I am not with my mum and sister, because for sure, not matter what the outcome is, I'll definitely cry like a pig. But in the morning, my dad gave me a call to tell me that he already talk to the Head of Admission and he said that I can appeal. I might need recommendation letters from my lecturers, talk to the dean or retake some papers.This will also depend on whether they have a place for me or not, if this year's intake is full, I will have to wait for another year. My heart sank when I heard the last part. Retake some papers? There is only one intake each year and I am so sick of studying the same thing over and over again. I didn't want to know anymore but just pray that things will eventually go well. By afternoon, I called the HOA myself, He said that I am in his recommended list. If the Dean agrees, I  am in. At that moment, it was still a yes and no situation. I might or might not get in. 

After a few hours, HOA called me. It was a good news, I got in. I jumped with joy in church, couldn't wait to tell my mum and sister and dad. I literally jump around like a child. All these wouldn't happen without the prayers of my church and all the brothers and sisters.

Indeed my result is a blessing from God, He gave me this miracle that I will never ever  forget. With a CGPA of 3.39, I got into a course I want, like how God have planned it. Not by my hard work but with His grace that I enter. Because of this, I can never boast how smart I am, or how hard working I am, for it is very clear, this is not the work of man but His work.

When my days seem dark and no one knows how I feel, my greatest comfort is from Jesus. I know He knows my pain and shares my burden. I am assured that He is still with me. When times are tough and I find no strength to walk on my own, He carries me with His mighty hands and show me how much He loves me. Since God put me in this course, He will definitely guide me through, even when things are rough.

Just like the hymn that goes, 

 Because I know

 He holds the future

 and life is worth the living just because He lives

ps: It turns out that the HOA is a Christian too. Can you see how God works now?