The Disbelief Spirit

I  have never thought that I think very lowly of myself. I am not a super confident person but I do not think that I have very low self esteem. But I was wrong, very wrong. It took me some time to convince myself that I have low self worth but at the same time I have very high expectations on myself. And if I don't meet my own expectations, I beat myself up. I think I have mentioned it before that my confidence is tied to how well I do in exams or even how happy I am with the way I dressed up for that particular day. I am just as fragile as some china piece that would break into a million pieces when hit with the slightest force. I'm not exaggerating but I'm probably more fragile than that. I take jokes too seriously at times, I some how feel that it meant something more or that he/she is actually hinting me that I need to change.
There are also times where people around me is so insensitive with their words. They asked questions that I do not know how to respond because I do not have answer to why I am obsolete, always learning but never understanding, seemingly hardworking but results always show otherwise. I wonder if they know that those remarks are very hurtful. Whether they mean it or not, apologize or not, the damage is done and its irreversible. Those things pulls my self esteem even lower. I subconsciously compare myself to many people and end up putting myself in a miserable state. I don't understand why I am always not good enough, why is it that I am so different ( I think differently ) , why is it that every effort I put in seems futile and the lists could go on and on till the cows come home.

I tell God how different my situation is every time, how bad the situation is compared to the previous one but God only told me one thing. That all outcome is the same. Its still the best for me because God's promises said so. And that every solution is the same that is to simply trust and obey.

 People always tell me that after I have done His will, I just have to simply trust and surrender all to Him. Leave the outcome to Him. But my question will always be the same, '' What if I haven't be doing God's will? or rather at times I am certain that I have not done God's will and that question is not on whether have I put in my best or not. When its simply because it was hard for me, I got chicken and back off, I got too lazy to persevere through, I simply do not want to obey and most commonly- The mind is willing but the body is weak, my flesh got the best of me. 

I wished that I am not so complicated that I will just take in what God says directly instead or over thinking and analyzing it. I need to stop all those thoughts. 

Those thoughts are not just tiring, it has been giving me the wrong idea of who God really is. God is not complicated but I always complicate Him. I always think that God will not bless me because of this and that, God will fail me in my tests because of whatsoever possible reason I can think of. And before every outcome is revealed, I always have the tendency to think that its going to end badly. I am never positive. I believe that's what most people think. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. But how much can you prepare? If I were to spend my time worrying or preparing myself for the worst possible outcome while waiting for my results, wouldn't I be wasting my time if the outcome is otherwise? Then all those time I allow myself to be tormented by the thoughts that I would fail and preparing what to do next would be in vain. That is pure stupidity. 

I remembered what I told my Pastor two years ago when she asked me what am I going to do while waiting for my results. I said I will punish myself for not putting more effort in my studies. Obviously, it was stupid but its still how I feel at times. I feel the need to punish myself for things that I know I should have done it better. And knowing that God forgives me for my sins and knows my weaknesses I feel compel to punish myself even more since He will not do it. This is very sick and twisted.  Not sure if I am the only weird one who thinks like that. I just feel that I do not deserve any pleasures, treats, any form of happiness and that I am just supposed to be without any feelings or just bitter. This is the mentality of a slave. Slaves are the lowest form of human beings and their only job is to serve, they have limited or no freedom and do not deserve any forms of pleasures. 

I have not been living like a glorified child of God even after accepting Christ. I am tired of fearing that I will not meet up to His expectations, tired of feeling crappy from my own thoughts. And its time I put an end to this.

I have confirmed repeatedly that all problems I have only has one root problem and that is the disbelief spirit. Actually initially, I feel a little offended when I was told about the disbelief spirit. I was like " What do you mean by disbelief? I believe in Jesus okay. I know he is not fictional and he is God. I believe in died for my sins. pfft".

But when I think deeper as I quiet myself, I know it is true that I have a great disbelief in me. If I believe that He died for my sins and I am already forgiven then why do I still punish myself. Why do I blame Him when things didn't turn out good when He says that whatever He gives me will be the best. It all points down to the disbelief spirit. When I compare myself with others or unsatisfied I am already in a disbelief state because I do not believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14. 

Why should I compare myself when the one who made me already see my as perfect?

From now on, I will be more careful with my spirit. The disbelief spirit is cunning, it deceives you into taking the untruth as the truth or distorting the truth.That is also how gradually, the mentality of the slave is formed.But in order to discern we need to know the right Gospel.  And in order to know the truth rightly, you'll need to pray and be diligent in reading the Bible and listen to messages. Its not easy just as Jesus's said but its definitely worthwhile.