C

I had 2 weeks of break after my finals before they announce the results. The consequences of failing would be staying back for about 6 weeks to resit the paper and hopefully you passed in order to make it into year 2.

After my finals, I was very upset because I did very badly. I couldn’t recall things that I have diligently  studying  during my study break, things that I pay little attention to came out whereas those that I deem important didn’t come out. Since its final, the paper was hard. But I know it wouldn’t be a problem for those people who have been consistent all these while. Anyway, I got really upset about it . So when I saw people posting online about their concern and worries because they are afraid that they won’t make it and rant about the stupid mistakes they did in finals, I got really annoyed. Of all people I feel that I have all the rights in the world to worry and complain since I am the one who have failed the tests for 3 times while they are the one who kept passing. Who are more likely to fail? They  or me?

Actually I thought failing isn’t that bad. At least we are given a second chance to redeem ourselves. Yes and no. Because the whole process of repeating the paper takes up to 6 weeks ( the entire break we have) the mini project that is supposed to be carried out that time would be carry forward to next year. And that means that you’ll be doing it with the juniors. Think of the embarrassment  and the feelings of being labelled as the ‘failure’. So, it got me worried even more. For me, it doesn’t stop there it also means that I will have difficulty going to church because my housemate won’t be around and I will need to walk to class alone, eat alone, be alone all by myself.

I was worried and scared because I really couldn’t do the paper even questions that were repeated from the previous tests. I let myself drown in numbness for a while. I know the voice of the Holy Spirit was always there, it prompted me to pray.

When I prayed, I thought about the nonsense answers I wrote, the amount of questions I couldn’t answered and the number of times I can’t recall and feel that failing will be the outcome. I told my friend that I need to pray to prepare myself so that it’ll be easier for me to accept my failure and I need to know why God allows it. But she said that I haven’t even fail yet. And my actions show that I am second guessing God. It’s true what she told me but I couldn’t get passed it before she didn’t see how badly I did. Only God knows what nonsense I wrote.

The night before I got my results, I prayed to God. I asked Him to help me surrender all to Him and no matter what the result is, it is the best for me. I was challenged by my own thoughts that asked “ It is still the best result that God prepare for you if you fail?”. Yes it is, even if I failed. And that is what I meant by trusting God and really believing that He will always give us the best in everything. It is not the world’s best but God’s best. I reminded myself that I have a Master and He got everything planned out for me. When I think of how to prepare myself and make plans I am already making myself the master of my own life.  God is the alpha and omega so how can He not know what will happen in my life and if He already knows then why I am planning my life myself as though I know what will happen. When I begin to confirm the Truth, I feel relieved. There is really no need to worry about anything at all. And by worrying, my results won’t change. I quit thinking about what would happen next and to just live moment by moment and enjoy the daily grace that He has prepared for me. I try to be simple- to believe the Truth and without questioning more , to simply believe without doubting. I asked God to help me see that He is more real than the situation I am in, His promises is more true than anything.

I found several post it that I wrote about a year ago, some verses and some personal notes incidentally while I was cleaning my room. It says “ Always remember how you got into UTAR, not by your results but with God’s mighty hand”. God brought me here and He will be responsible for it. I choose to believe that if God wants me to pass, I will pass. Simple faith based on the absolute truth no more ‘buts’, ‘what ifs’...

It’s always when the situation is doomed or when we feel absolutely helpless then we resort to God because we know that we have tried everything and now we just have to leave it to God. Its best if we can turn to God in both good times and bad times. We often become laid back during the good times when the sea is calm and we take things lightly. I feel that it shouldn’t be the way because those good times are meant for us to get ourselves equipped with His words because we will need it when the storms come.

 I recalled the very first time that God let me pass my test the night before I prayed to be submissive. And I thought “ Hey, I’ll use back the same method because it works that time”and it really did.

I got the happiest C in my life. I just passed I was very close to failing because after the C it’ll be the F. I am not those smart people that never got any Cs in my life, I have but this is the happiest. Honestly, no student will be happy with a C everyone wants an A or at least a B.I was very relieved that God has given me the grace to pass. I know its impossible to make it. I need to get exactly 60 marks for my finals in order to pass and I usually get much lower than that. I will always remember this incident whenever I feel worried about my exams.

I realized that we get the most answers when we are down  because during that time we are more willing to listen, to die and to learn. When God becomes the only hope we have, be comforted because He will not disappoint us. A week ago, my Emmanuel Group leader shared how she failed this test and she told God that she served in so many ministry why did she fail. She didn’t mean that if you served you won’t fail. But after that she received an email that there was a mistake and she got a better result. And sh

So when I was worried, I thought about her. But I got accused first. I told God that I really want to serve Him, its just that I am not good enough and that He didn’t give me the chance. I am serving in the Toddler’s class and the Youth now. I want to do more not because I thought the more ministry I serve the greater the blessings, its just that I really want to share God’s word to people and I really like to serve in church. I don’t know how to explain, I guess its just a natural instinct in us as the children of God to offer our service to the Father’s house. Like the mother’s instincts to care and protect her child, very natural.

God told me that as long as I am doing my best in the little tasks that He has given me, it will be good enough. Focus on little submission and little tasks, if I do well, more will be assigned to me when I am more spiritually mature.

Besides, I am sharing His word now through my blog, this is also what He has assigned me to do. I don’t know how many people and who actually read what I write but I guess when you do God’s work you only need to do as you are told and leave the outcome to Him. After all, I am His servant and He is my Master.

I am very happy now, I will officially be a year 2 student in May. It’ll be very exciting and  I can’t wait to see how God  will lead me this year. Year 1 was tough, I shed many tears along the way and God was with me. And He will always be with me. In this short period of time, I feel more set free. I was very bitter about some issues but I am not as affected anymore because I know  God loves me and will definitely use me.  I find myself more willing to let go and die. And I can assure you that dying to yourself is a beautiful thing. When you die, you are allowing Christ to live in you and what can be more beautiful than that.

The letter C now reminds me of 2 things : Child of God and His Covenant.

Ps: I got baptized on the 17^th of March  and my dad attended my baptism.