C

I had 2 weeks of break after my finals before they announce the results. The consequences of failing would be staying back for about 6 weeks to resit the paper and hopefully you passed in order to make it into year 2.

After my finals, I was very upset because I did very badly. I couldn’t recall things that I have diligently  studying  during my study break, things that I pay little attention to came out whereas those that I deem important didn’t come out. Since its final, the paper was hard. But I know it wouldn’t be a problem for those people who have been consistent all these while. Anyway, I got really upset about it . So when I saw people posting online about their concern and worries because they are afraid that they won’t make it and rant about the stupid mistakes they did in finals, I got really annoyed. Of all people I feel that I have all the rights in the world to worry and complain since I am the one who have failed the tests for 3 times while they are the one who kept passing. Who are more likely to fail? They  or me?

Actually I thought failing isn’t that bad. At least we are given a second chance to redeem ourselves. Yes and no. Because the whole process of repeating the paper takes up to 6 weeks ( the entire break we have) the mini project that is supposed to be carried out that time would be carry forward to next year. And that means that you’ll be doing it with the juniors. Think of the embarrassment  and the feelings of being labelled as the ‘failure’. So, it got me worried even more. For me, it doesn’t stop there it also means that I will have difficulty going to church because my housemate won’t be around and I will need to walk to class alone, eat alone, be alone all by myself.

I was worried and scared because I really couldn’t do the paper even questions that were repeated from the previous tests. I let myself drown in numbness for a while. I know the voice of the Holy Spirit was always there, it prompted me to pray.

When I prayed, I thought about the nonsense answers I wrote, the amount of questions I couldn’t answered and the number of times I can’t recall and feel that failing will be the outcome. I told my friend that I need to pray to prepare myself so that it’ll be easier for me to accept my failure and I need to know why God allows it. But she said that I haven’t even fail yet. And my actions show that I am second guessing God. It’s true what she told me but I couldn’t get passed it before she didn’t see how badly I did. Only God knows what nonsense I wrote.

The night before I got my results, I prayed to God. I asked Him to help me surrender all to Him and no matter what the result is, it is the best for me. I was challenged by my own thoughts that asked “ It is still the best result that God prepare for you if you fail?”. Yes it is, even if I failed. And that is what I meant by trusting God and really believing that He will always give us the best in everything. It is not the world’s best but God’s best. I reminded myself that I have a Master and He got everything planned out for me. When I think of how to prepare myself and make plans I am already making myself the master of my own life.  God is the alpha and omega so how can He not know what will happen in my life and if He already knows then why I am planning my life myself as though I know what will happen. When I begin to confirm the Truth, I feel relieved. There is really no need to worry about anything at all. And by worrying, my results won’t change. I quit thinking about what would happen next and to just live moment by moment and enjoy the daily grace that He has prepared for me. I try to be simple- to believe the Truth and without questioning more , to simply believe without doubting. I asked God to help me see that He is more real than the situation I am in, His promises is more true than anything.

I found several post it that I wrote about a year ago, some verses and some personal notes incidentally while I was cleaning my room. It says “ Always remember how you got into UTAR, not by your results but with God’s mighty hand”. God brought me here and He will be responsible for it. I choose to believe that if God wants me to pass, I will pass. Simple faith based on the absolute truth no more ‘buts’, ‘what ifs’...

It’s always when the situation is doomed or when we feel absolutely helpless then we resort to God because we know that we have tried everything and now we just have to leave it to God. Its best if we can turn to God in both good times and bad times. We often become laid back during the good times when the sea is calm and we take things lightly. I feel that it shouldn’t be the way because those good times are meant for us to get ourselves equipped with His words because we will need it when the storms come.

 I recalled the very first time that God let me pass my test the night before I prayed to be submissive. And I thought “ Hey, I’ll use back the same method because it works that time”and it really did.

I got the happiest C in my life. I just passed I was very close to failing because after the C it’ll be the F. I am not those smart people that never got any Cs in my life, I have but this is the happiest. Honestly, no student will be happy with a C everyone wants an A or at least a B.I was very relieved that God has given me the grace to pass. I know its impossible to make it. I need to get exactly 60 marks for my finals in order to pass and I usually get much lower than that. I will always remember this incident whenever I feel worried about my exams.

I realized that we get the most answers when we are down  because during that time we are more willing to listen, to die and to learn. When God becomes the only hope we have, be comforted because He will not disappoint us. A week ago, my Emmanuel Group leader shared how she failed this test and she told God that she served in so many ministry why did she fail. She didn’t mean that if you served you won’t fail. But after that she received an email that there was a mistake and she got a better result. And sh

So when I was worried, I thought about her. But I got accused first. I told God that I really want to serve Him, its just that I am not good enough and that He didn’t give me the chance. I am serving in the Toddler’s class and the Youth now. I want to do more not because I thought the more ministry I serve the greater the blessings, its just that I really want to share God’s word to people and I really like to serve in church. I don’t know how to explain, I guess its just a natural instinct in us as the children of God to offer our service to the Father’s house. Like the mother’s instincts to care and protect her child, very natural.

God told me that as long as I am doing my best in the little tasks that He has given me, it will be good enough. Focus on little submission and little tasks, if I do well, more will be assigned to me when I am more spiritually mature.

Besides, I am sharing His word now through my blog, this is also what He has assigned me to do. I don’t know how many people and who actually read what I write but I guess when you do God’s work you only need to do as you are told and leave the outcome to Him. After all, I am His servant and He is my Master.

I am very happy now, I will officially be a year 2 student in May. It’ll be very exciting and  I can’t wait to see how God  will lead me this year. Year 1 was tough, I shed many tears along the way and God was with me. And He will always be with me. In this short period of time, I feel more set free. I was very bitter about some issues but I am not as affected anymore because I know  God loves me and will definitely use me.  I find myself more willing to let go and die. And I can assure you that dying to yourself is a beautiful thing. When you die, you are allowing Christ to live in you and what can be more beautiful than that.

The letter C now reminds me of 2 things : Child of God and His Covenant.

Ps: I got baptized on the 17^th of March  and my dad attended my baptism.

The Disbelief Spirit

I  have never thought that I think very lowly of myself. I am not a super confident person but I do not think that I have very low self esteem. But I was wrong, very wrong. It took me some time to convince myself that I have low self worth but at the same time I have very high expectations on myself. And if I don't meet my own expectations, I beat myself up. I think I have mentioned it before that my confidence is tied to how well I do in exams or even how happy I am with the way I dressed up for that particular day. I am just as fragile as some china piece that would break into a million pieces when hit with the slightest force. I'm not exaggerating but I'm probably more fragile than that. I take jokes too seriously at times, I some how feel that it meant something more or that he/she is actually hinting me that I need to change.
There are also times where people around me is so insensitive with their words. They asked questions that I do not know how to respond because I do not have answer to why I am obsolete, always learning but never understanding, seemingly hardworking but results always show otherwise. I wonder if they know that those remarks are very hurtful. Whether they mean it or not, apologize or not, the damage is done and its irreversible. Those things pulls my self esteem even lower. I subconsciously compare myself to many people and end up putting myself in a miserable state. I don't understand why I am always not good enough, why is it that I am so different ( I think differently ) , why is it that every effort I put in seems futile and the lists could go on and on till the cows come home.

I tell God how different my situation is every time, how bad the situation is compared to the previous one but God only told me one thing. That all outcome is the same. Its still the best for me because God's promises said so. And that every solution is the same that is to simply trust and obey.

 People always tell me that after I have done His will, I just have to simply trust and surrender all to Him. Leave the outcome to Him. But my question will always be the same, '' What if I haven't be doing God's will? or rather at times I am certain that I have not done God's will and that question is not on whether have I put in my best or not. When its simply because it was hard for me, I got chicken and back off, I got too lazy to persevere through, I simply do not want to obey and most commonly- The mind is willing but the body is weak, my flesh got the best of me. 

I wished that I am not so complicated that I will just take in what God says directly instead or over thinking and analyzing it. I need to stop all those thoughts. 

Those thoughts are not just tiring, it has been giving me the wrong idea of who God really is. God is not complicated but I always complicate Him. I always think that God will not bless me because of this and that, God will fail me in my tests because of whatsoever possible reason I can think of. And before every outcome is revealed, I always have the tendency to think that its going to end badly. I am never positive. I believe that's what most people think. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. But how much can you prepare? If I were to spend my time worrying or preparing myself for the worst possible outcome while waiting for my results, wouldn't I be wasting my time if the outcome is otherwise? Then all those time I allow myself to be tormented by the thoughts that I would fail and preparing what to do next would be in vain. That is pure stupidity. 

I remembered what I told my Pastor two years ago when she asked me what am I going to do while waiting for my results. I said I will punish myself for not putting more effort in my studies. Obviously, it was stupid but its still how I feel at times. I feel the need to punish myself for things that I know I should have done it better. And knowing that God forgives me for my sins and knows my weaknesses I feel compel to punish myself even more since He will not do it. This is very sick and twisted.  Not sure if I am the only weird one who thinks like that. I just feel that I do not deserve any pleasures, treats, any form of happiness and that I am just supposed to be without any feelings or just bitter. This is the mentality of a slave. Slaves are the lowest form of human beings and their only job is to serve, they have limited or no freedom and do not deserve any forms of pleasures. 

I have not been living like a glorified child of God even after accepting Christ. I am tired of fearing that I will not meet up to His expectations, tired of feeling crappy from my own thoughts. And its time I put an end to this.

I have confirmed repeatedly that all problems I have only has one root problem and that is the disbelief spirit. Actually initially, I feel a little offended when I was told about the disbelief spirit. I was like " What do you mean by disbelief? I believe in Jesus okay. I know he is not fictional and he is God. I believe in died for my sins. pfft".

But when I think deeper as I quiet myself, I know it is true that I have a great disbelief in me. If I believe that He died for my sins and I am already forgiven then why do I still punish myself. Why do I blame Him when things didn't turn out good when He says that whatever He gives me will be the best. It all points down to the disbelief spirit. When I compare myself with others or unsatisfied I am already in a disbelief state because I do not believe that I am fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14. 

Why should I compare myself when the one who made me already see my as perfect?

From now on, I will be more careful with my spirit. The disbelief spirit is cunning, it deceives you into taking the untruth as the truth or distorting the truth.That is also how gradually, the mentality of the slave is formed.But in order to discern we need to know the right Gospel.  And in order to know the truth rightly, you'll need to pray and be diligent in reading the Bible and listen to messages. Its not easy just as Jesus's said but its definitely worthwhile.