Matthew 4:4

Its never an easy task for me to come up with a post , most of the times, I have the sudden urge to blog but the fire is quickly put out with my scattered thoughts. I have it in me, but sometimes they come so fast and in numbers that I don't know which one to blog about. So coming up with just a post always follow a certain pattern - typing, deleting, rewriting, re- deleting and so on till I gave up. That explains why the long delay. 

Nothing exceptionally unusual or exciting happened last week, it was normal outwardly, me going to class early as usual and occasionally  my mind wanders off as soon as my lecturer starts teaching. It looked like my typical day in uni. But the truth is, I was struggling in class, not because I was unable to pay attention but because Satan came and messed up my thoughts. He make me looked at things that are thorn in my eyes, he showed me my fears and weaknesses, he let me feel so oppressed in my problems and  he gladly helped me amplify my problems. And when he hit me like that, I would usually break down, but because I was in class most of the times, I was trying hard to put on a normal face. 

It was actually a significant week for me as I just started listening to the 36 lessons, so I felt great until 

Satan came in my thoughts. At times like this, its easy to lose the assurance, to lose the purpose and to lose sight of God. When Satan fires all my fears to me at one go, its not easy to fight back even with God's words. I thanked God that He had prepared me before hand with His words, I may have struggled in the beginning, but things got slightly easier one day after another.

I used to think that listening to His words, attending Sunday service, reading Bible are my duties as a Christian. Back then when I was still in PJ doing my Foundation, I had to wake up early to catch the bus, then take the lrt and transit to another lrt and wait in the middle of nowhere ( actually I just stand at the side of the road) for my friends to pick me, all by myself. At times, when I reached early,I had to stand for 30 minutes looking like an idiot as the cars passed by. Honestly, I am quite tempted at times, to skip service especially when I missed my bus. I used to tell God, since its so hard ( and also dangerous- there are so many types of humans in the lrt like the weird looking ones and perverted looking ones and especially hard for me since I am such a paranoid)  for me to get to His church, He better bless me with good results and all kinds of blessings. 

And those times, when I apologize to God for not being able to listen to the messages and when I am too busy preparing for exam so I take that as an excuse to not read the Bible and those times that I refused to talk to Him because I am mad or too busy.
How foolish I was!

I thought God need me to talk to Him but  in fact he wasn't the one who is lonely. 

I thought God need me to attend His service but I am the one who need to hear His words. 

I thought God wants me to read the Bible but I didn't realized His words are the answers to my problems. 

How often do we feel as though God needs our help or presence to get things done?

 And how often we make our God  a forceful God? How often we worship God out of duty?
The truth is without God, I can't accomplish anything, all those things that I thought were my duties and responsibilities are actually the solutions to my problems!

You can hypnotize yourself, lie to the world you  have no problem, you can even hide it at the little corner of your brain, suppress the negative feelings, don't talk about it, don't deal with it but one fine day, your unresolved problem will appear. 

You can try repeating the whole cycle again but trust me, it never helps. I been in that situation before. If you think you're smart, think twice, Satan who has lived for two thousand years is way smarter than you, there is no way you can beat him with your own effort. 

When I was troubled and sunk in my weaknesses, I can quickly get up and be assured. I am assured that God is with me in my problem, He knows my greatest fears and my weakest point, He knows that I am struggling and most importantly, I confirm again and again that whatever flaws I have now coincides with the purpose I am studying in this course and to help those with the same problem. 

I keep my eyes always on the LORD. 

With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

And real joy comes from being able to hear God's voice in whatever you do everyday. 

Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

 Matthew 4:4

I need God everyday without Him, I will be sucked into the worldly culture. The longer you wait for the right time to ask for help, the harder it is for you to get out from your struggles.

 God doesn't want us to do great noble things, God calls us to do the little things while He does the BIG things. Guard your flesh and your heart, pray and submit everything to Him. 

And you will be amazed when God moves His hands.

ps: Based on the number of times the word "need" appear in this post really shows how much you and I really need Him in our lives.

Philippians 1:6

I guess I have been pretty laid back for these couple of weeks, with so many things happening, I just couldn't find the time to blog or rather the conviction . My sincere apology to you, if you've been waiting for me to come up with a post. I drafted many posts before this, but I don't know why, all doesn't seem good enough to be read- I don't even feel like reading it, so I don't want to insult anyone in this manner. 

Well, its the second week of the second block for this semester. I got my first test result about a week ago. I failed. I got 37/100. Don't be surprised that I wasn't sad at all, not even a bit. I expected myself to fail based on my last minute revision and how much I have covered the syllabus, it will shake the entire campus if I pass. Even my mum was surprised that I didn't cry. I am not sure how those who failed have reacted, but I thanked God for the peace and assurance. I remembered that few days before I sat for my test, I felt fine not being to perform my best, felt fine that I only managed to revise about 15%. Its just that I felt so peaceful, knowing that everything is in His plan and there's more than just pass a test. Its not because it contributes only 7.5% for finals, not because its a norm to have high casualties for the first test. Its because you know this is not everything, Medicine is not everything. 

You will know how I feel when you have the chance to experience it yourself. Its not the peace that the world gives but from the one who created the universe and me.

I guess it was probably because I just came back from the Remnant Conference that time, so my heart was really convicted. A sister told me that Medicine is just a tool God uses to mold me and help me overcome my weaknesses. Along the way, I will learn how to rely on Him, be entirely submissive and to grow spiritually.

I mean, its hard for a person like me who tend to feel small and intimidated so easily to be doing such a competitive course with so many smart people. Did I even mention that I get stomachache upon hearing my  course mate's name because I feel so stressed? I mean literally.  It really did kill me when every single term seems so foreign to me and when your course mates could easily answer the tutorial questions when many claimed that they didn't study and you thought it was such a comfort that you're not alone but then you get the harsh truth that you are alone when it comes to not knowing anything. That by far was the most shitty (excuse my language) feeling ever.

These five years are going to be really exciting because this is the time where my relationship with Him will get closer, my faith will get strengthened and I will witness how His love for me will be magnified. I don't mean that I am not going to feel inferior and stress from now, but I am assured because

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6 

A sister gave me two prayer topics during the Remnant Conference and I am very happy with it. I don't think I am ready to share it with anyone yet but I can only say that I am very happy. I'm thrilled knowing that its exactly what God wants me to pray about. I received so much from the camp that it just makes me smile each time I think of it. Its the joy from God and only His that will be able to put a smile on me from now on.I wish that you can feel the joy within me and share my passion for Him. God bless!

ps: Future updates on this blog will not be announced on Facebook anymore. I believe that God will convict those whom he wants to convict to read my blog, those previous announcements are merely for introductory purpose.